The Dinosaur Parade
Drama, Jenny Sommers, Vol 1 Issue 1
Posted: January 14th, 2008 Track comments on this item via RSS
(This is an excerpt of a one-act play)
CHARACTERS
GLADYS, co-host and mother
ALICE, host
CHLOE, Gladys’ daughter, eight years old
Act One, Scene One
A bed sits stage right in a dimly lit room. CHLOE lies with the covers pulled tight under her chin. Her face is illuminated. A loud, deep rumbling sound, like a giant footstep is heard.
CHLOE Hello?
The sound becomes a loud slavering noise, like snorting and chewing, followed by another rumbling step.
CHLOE Hello? Who’s there? Mom?… Mom?
A horrible roar resounds. Lights out.
Act One, Scene Two
Down centre stage, ALICE and GLADYS roll a large screen onto the stage and set up the AV equipment.
ALICE Farther, please. Just a little more. Closer. Okay, stop. Great.
ALICE points a clicker at a projector suspended from the ceiling. The words 2007-2012: Super Times, Super Marketing appear on the screen. ALICE and GLADYS stand on either side of the screen.
ALICE Welcome everyone to day one of the Spumco Super Projection Seminar for the years 2007 to 2012. I’m really excited about the fabulous opportunities and rich potential the next five years have in store for us. Your knowledge of global trends in these times will put you on top. Your knowledge is the tool that will help you seize what others can only dream of.
GLADYSYour success is our priority. We want you to win. To rise up above the crowd.
ALICE So let’s look at—
GLADYS and ALICE: THE FUTURE!
All capitalized dialogue said in unison by ALICE and GLADYS is accompanied by dramatic, synchronized hand motions.
GLADYS and ALICE BABY BOOMERS!
“Voodoo Chile” begins to play loudly as images of naked, dancing hippies appear on the screen, followed by psychedelic bar graphs.
GLADYSLord, I’m sick of ‘em.
ALICE Everyone’s sick of them, but not marketing to them is an ill-bred business blunder. Products marketed to people fifty and older will see a sales increase of thirty-five to fifty percent in the next twenty years.
GLADYS They’re like a pig moving through the python that is the marketplace and they’re nearing the ass end. What colours does
Spumco project?
ALICE Colours are gonna change a lot for the boomer market. The lense of your eye yellows as you age. Old people can’t distinguish pale blue from white. Combinations of bright colours cause eye fatigue in old people. Spumco sees a lot of oversized black and white text in the future. Avoid using subtle colour combinations.
GLADYS What about language?
ALICE I’m glad you asked me that. Forbidden words are “older” and “senior.” Say “mature” or “prime” instead. Sell “experience,” not “age.”
GLADYS So if I want to sell a wrinkle cream I should say, “A lotion for experienced skin?”
ALICE Right. Popular words are antioxidant, soy protein, essential fatty acid, phytoestrogen, and heart smart.
GLADYS So if I said, “Radiant age healthy experienced skin lotion with essential fatty acids,” that would be good boomer language.
ALICE Exactly. Boomers also want anti-establishment quality for their dollar. Don’t sell them a sandwich. Sell them an ecological, revolutionary, old-world artisan sandwich. They want to feel good about spending money.
GLADYS Doesn’t everyone feel good about spending money?
ALICE Yes, but everyone feels good about it for different reasons.
GLADYS So if I want to sell them a suit I should say, “A suit for the experienced businessperson, made by Italian artisan tailors from organic, fairly traded linen, cut for the body in its prime.
ALICE Exactly. All you need to know about marketing to baby boomers is that semantics is everything. Next topic!
GLADYS and ALICE MULTICULTURAL MARKETING!
Images of Freddy Prinze, mariachi bands, migrant workers, pastel Miami landscapes, are shown on screen accompanied by Cuban big-band cha-cha music.
GLADYS Who are these people, Alice?
ALICE The Hispanics! We’ve overlooked a key target marketing group forfar too long! Hispanics now constitute twenty-five percent of the American population. From 2000-2006, the purchasing power of Hispanics climbed more than sixty-three percent to 798 billion dollars. Our reports predict that by 2011 it will top 1.2 trillion dollars!
GLADYS Wow! So what do these Hispanic people want? What are their colours?
ALICE Hispanic colours vary from group to group. Cubans like pastels, saturated neons. Pink, blue, yellow. Puerto Ricans like earthy browns, yellows, and reds. Colour saturation is important with this ethnic group. People from hot climates want intense colour. Spumco sees lines of house paints, coloured appliances, andcosmetics tapping into this market.
GLADYS What about emotional appeal? What’s the Hispanic attitude?
ALICE This is beautiful. Just beautiful. Hispanics have significant attitudinal differences towards the media. If we understand this difference, we can open up this untapped reservoir.
GLADYS What kind of difference are we talking? I’m sure everyone here would like to know.
ALICE Allow me to demonstrate.
GLADYS changes posture, indicating acharacter change.
ALICE Jorge, what do you like about the magazines you read? How do you benefit from them?
GLADYS as JORGE My favourite magazines feature people who make me proud.
ALICE How about you, Luis?
GLADYS as LUIS My favourite magazines help me to see that there are good people in the world.
ALICE And you, Maria? What do you like about your magazines?
GLADYS as MARIA Some of the articles touch me deep down.
ALICE Thank-you.
GLADYS changes posture again.
GLADYSThese are unusual responses.
ALICE I know. Hispanics approach media with communal and emotional expectations.
GLADYS Nobody does that.
ALICE Spumco sees a lot of stories about do-gooders and cats that walk three hundred miles back to their homes. Spumco projects that stories about humble philanthropists and soup kitchens will sell big with Hispanics. Good teachers in bad neighbourhoods will also be big.
GLADYS This looks like a fun opportunity to make up some real tear jerkers!
ALICE You bet!
Cuban big-band cha-cha music begins to play loudly. ALICE and GLADYS begin to sing and dance.
GLADYS and ALICE Spum-CO will TEACH you to SELL to His-PA-nics / Their needs un-U-s’al / Strange AND so rare / Mar-ke-ters go into PA-nics / When they see how His-PA-nic hearts care / CHORUS: Phil-an- thro-py / and some / the-o-lo-gy / peo-ple / These are the keys / CHA-CHA-CHA! / I-den-ti-ty / u-sing / our co-lour key / ba-by / that’s what you need / CHA-CHA-CHA!
GLADYS and ALICE (speaking) Thank-you! See you tomorrow for day two of the Spumco Super projection Seminar!
Act One, Scene Three
GLADYS and ALICE exit stage left and reenter the dressing room up stage left. GLADYS changes her clothes and is in her underpants for part of this scene. ALICE remains clothed, standing and pacing around GLADYS.
ALICE Where were you this morning?
GLADYSI couldn’t make it. My daughter’s been having these night terrors—
ALICE You missed an important meeting.
GLADYSShe keeps seeing dinosaurs in her room.
ALICE We’ve changed the content of the upcoming seminars. You’ll have to use a teleprompter. I’ll give you the scripts, but you’ll still need the teleprompter.
GLADYSBig, toothy dinosaurs. I’m thinking of taking her to a psychiatrist. She doesn’t sleep.
ALICE Are you listening to me?
GLADYSI’m just concerned.
ALICE Well, get over it.
GLADYSPardon me?
ALICE Get. Over. It. I don’t have time for this. Kids worry. It’s normal. Nightmares are normal. Weren’t you afraid of anything when youwere little?
GLADYS Maybe. Sometimes.
ALICE Well you’re one of the fortunate ones, then. I was scared out of my mind half the time. But I turned out okay.
GLADYS(PAUSE) Right.
ALICE Sweety, you may think your shit don’t stink, but I know you better.
GLADYS What?
ALICE I don’t like your attitude.
GLADYS I’m doing my best. If I’ve offended you I—
ALICE Can it. I’ve got my eye on you. I want you to clean up your act.
GLADYS Clean up my act?
ALICE Don’t mock me.
GLADYS I’m not mocking you. I just don’t know what you’re talking about.
ALICE You’re stealing my fire. That line about the pig in a python was my line. I want you to stick to the script and start showing up on time.
GLADYS Okay. I’m sorry. It’s just hard sometimes. Having children is like having a second job. I’m really doing my best.
ALICE Give it a rest. People think having kids entitles them to some kind of special treatment. Be fruitful and multiply! You’re not serving Jehovah, honey. You serve me, and as far as I’m concerned, children are parasites breathing my air. Go live with the Mormons if you want to be special.
GLADYS is silent. She starts fiddling with the contents of her purse.
ALICE I don’t want to have to let you go and I’m sure you’d want a good reference if you did leave. So are we clear?
GLADYS (PAUSE) Yes.
ALICE No hard feelings, eh? (PAUSE) That whole Hispanic routine was a riot, eh?
GLADYS Yeah, that was…That was real fun.
ALICE Hey. Three construction workers are sitting on top of a high scaffolding eating their lunch. A Mexican, an Englishman, and a Polack. The Mexican opens his lunch and says, “Ai, Chihuahua! Another taco. If I get a taco in my lunch tomorrow I’m gonna
throw myself off this building.” The Englishman opens his lunch and says, “Blimey! Chips and egg! If I get more bleeding chips and egg in me lunch tomorrow, I’ll throw meself off this building!” The Polack opens his lunch and says, Perogies and sausage again! I throw myself off this building if I get perogies and sausage tomorrow!” The next day they all get the same lunch and they all commit suicide. At their funeral, the Mexican’s wife says, “I yi yi! If only he tell me. I would no have made him a taco!” The Englishman’s wife says, “Blimey! If the poor beggar ‘ad told me, I’d not ‘a’ made chips and egg!” The Polack’s wife says, “I no understand. He make his own lunch!”
ALICE breaks up laughing and then starts coughing. As she lets out a particularly violent cough, she emits an unnatural
sound, like a dinosaur’s roar.(sound effect)
GLADYS (laughing) That’s great Alice. You should be a comedian. I’ve gotta go. See you tomorrow.
ALICE Alright. Glad you’re on board.